Everyone has their own ways of dealing, some are healthy and some not so much. My way of dealing would be classed as the latter. If I put it blandly and straight up – I don’t deal. I avoid it. I block it out and hope that it doesn’t come back up. I hope I don’t have to deal with it, and that’s the biggest lie I tell myself. I know its coming back, the worst part is not knowing when.
I push it down and build up my walls. I lay on my bed eyes closed, silence, nothing. That’s when I start building, I lay the brick and add the mental glue. I build it up in a circle around me one brick after another and repeat the process until the wall is surrounding me and there’s no way out. That way theres no way out. My feelings/ My problems/ My insecurities their trapped and out of my way and I go on with my life. They are trapped in the well, the hole, the cell – whatever you want to call it. There gone, well for now.
Thing is, just because you will something to be gone, and stay gone doesn’t mean it’s always going to happen. The thing is they don’t always stay gone. Or they get help getting out. When you leave it alone, you push it back and you forget. You hope it stays that way. It’s not always the case.
One bad moment is all it takes. One tiny moment, just like one tiny feather that floats down from the sky and lands on the wall and causes it to crumble. Then just like when you know a storms coming your feelings and everything in that hole come rushing at you high-speed and there is no way of stopping them. It’s when you realise that that giant wave is coming for you that there’s no stopping it, you just have to prepare.
I prepare for the worst, I Prepare for the crying, the loss of appetite, the mood swings, the depression, the anxiety, panic attacks, the self-doubt, the isolation retracting from my social life and personal relationships. I prepare for my biggest fear – being alone. Because being like this isn’t nice, not that anyone would think that it would be. But its easier when you have people to help you. How do you expect them to help if you can’t describe to them how you feel though – you can’t. You can just hope for the most part they’ll keep trying, because not trying is worse than anything. Not trying feels like they don’t care. It leaves me feeling alone. Thing is relying on people to be there for you – its hard. People let you down. People look out for their number one, people look out for themselves. I’m not asking to be your number one, I am just asking for your help. I need your help to get better. I need you, but you’re not there. Nobody is.
And you’ve guessed it – it all does behind the wall, a new wall. Every problem gets its own and they build up and slowly, they multiply. There like dominos, once one comes down, and the rest follows. But knocking down the walls isn’t an option. If it all comes at me at once, if it all comes powering down on me all together – that’s something that will ruin me. So I’ll take it one brick at a time, it wont be easy. But I can do this. I hope I can… I’ve no other choice.
I need to stop laying bricks. I need to be my own number one.